Incarceration & Fire
Part of the SJ Sounds Series
Written by Elizabeth Jiménez Montelongo
Audio design by Sean Emmett Thompson
[AUDIO DESCRIPTION: The music underscores a conversation in letters between a mother and a daughter. Whether or not they receive each other’s letters, they somehow hear one another. Intimate objects and soundscapes of fond memories drift in and out of their shared memories as they hope to be reunited. One must wonder if a conversation is truly happening here…]
The Present
Dear Mama,
I miss you and it’s cold here. I don’t want to stay here. I want to see you again. I love you and I know what they said about you is not true. Just like when they took Daddy. I know if I don’t see you again, I’ll see you in the time after, like you promised.
Dear Baby Girl,
I wish I could send this letter to you, so you’d know I’m thinking of you. Baby Girl, I wish that I could hold you again. Remember when we used to snuggle up on the couch with a blanket, reading books on rainy days? I always hoped those days would never end. But I was always making sure you knew how to take care of yourself. I wish I could be with you. I know you’ll be okay – I have to keep telling myself that, until I see you again.
Dear Mama,
They said I get to see you again! Just for a little bit. There will be people there and I can’t talk to you or hug you. But they say I can see you, Mama! I can’t wait! I’ll hug you with my eyes, you will see. I love you. I hope you smile when you get this. The big girl said my letters will get there, but I can’t send a lot. PS: The house is by the college! (San José State)
Dear Baby Girl,
I’m excited to see you, but I’m worried about what you will think when you see me looking so different. I hope they warned you about my hair and clothes. I won’t look the same, but I hope you will mostly just look at my eyes and see the love I have for you. I hope you will believe in me always, Baby. I did the best I could – I did what I had to do for us to be together.
Dear Mama,
I was so happy to see you! You looked so different. But I saw the love in your eyes, Mama. I know it will be okay. Even if we have to wait to be together again. I love you so much, Mama! Did you see how I hugged you with my eyes? Did you feel it? I felt your love, felt happy and safe. Like when we would cuddle on the couch, reading, with that soft blanket. I’ll never forget that Mama! I love you no matter what they say. I didn’t even listen! I just thought of us and all the happy, fun times we had. I love you so much!
Dear Baby Girl,
I wish I could’ve told you what I look like now, before you saw me. I was so worried that you might be frightened or not want to look at me. But I know you saw the love in my eyes, because I saw the love in your eyes and it was just like a hug. A warm, warm hug. I’m glad you’re too little to really pay attention to what they said. They made me sound so awful. Am I awful, Baby, or were you happy with your Mama? Even in our last months together? I think you were happy and I did my best, my very best. I made sure you were warm and had food, even fruit. It never mattered if I ate enough, as long as you had a smile on your face when you fell asleep. I wish I could tell you...And I did smile when I got your letter. I guess you sent it before I saw you. Thank you baby! You’ll get my letters when I see you again...or if they keep me, I hope someone saves them for you.
Dear Mama,
I’m missing you, Mama! Waiting for the next day I get to see you again! I was hoping to get a letter. But I bet you write me letters they won’t give me. I know you love me! I marked the day they told me on a calendar and I’ve been putting a mark on each day. They don’t talk about you or answer when I ask stuff. But they said I get to see you and they smile when I jump around all happy. I love you Mama and I’m sorry you got in trouble. I think it was because of me. We were happy, even when we had no more couch, no more toys, no more house. I did love my toys and the house. We could take walks, say hi to neighbors, hide from the big dog because they didn’t put a leash on! I’m glad he stopped trying to sniff my face! Remember we went to the big museum? Remember we went to the beaches? And saw snails and got shells? We were happy Mama. Even when we had to leave, we had each other, yummy food, and I slept so cozy in your arms! I wish we could go back Mama, I wish they hadn’t come…
Dear Baby Girl,
I’m going to see you soon! I’m so happy! I’ve been hoping to hear your voice so much, but they won’t let me talk to you. They won’t even let you talk to me, so I could listen. They will ask you questions and I hope you will not feel sad or shy or nervous. You say whatever you need to Baby. It has been so long since I heard your voice! I wish you would be talking to me instead. I wish I could tell you that, no matter what you say, no matter what happens, I love you and I can’t wait to hold you again, soon, or whenever we are free to be happy together again. I live with as much hope as I can, looking forward to that day.
Dear Mama,
I CAN’T WAIT 2 C U!!! They said I get to talk next time, but not to you. I wish I could talk to you Mama, to tell you I love you. The other night, I missed your voice so much. I wished you could sing to me like you used to. I remember you said you used to sing to me before I was born. I want to hear you sing Mama. They said someone will ask me questions and I have to answer. They will ask questions about me and about you and about where we lived before I came here. That’s our story, Mama, not for them! But they said I have to answer and it might even help you. I’ll answer everything! I can’t wait to be with you again. It’s cold here. They say they turned up the heat and I have blankets, but I’m cold, Mama. I wish you were here.
Dear Baby Girl,
It’s almost the day I get to see you! I was thinking of you so much (like I do everyday) thinking if there was anything I could have done better, so that this would not have happened. I did my best, baby. You know I worked as much as I could, and then a bit extra, when I would take you with me. I worked as much as I could, but I had to rest a bit and sleep.
I’m glad you will remember the time when we lived in the house, when you had so many toys. I worked plenty then, but when the price of food went up so high and they raised the rent –even the electricity cost double by then! It was just too much Baby, it was impossible. We saw so many friends move, one by one, they didn’t call after, not sure where they went. Maybe they ended up like us, forced to leave. We didn’t tell anyone either, what could we say? Nobody was going to take care of us. It’s just me and you, we did what we had to do...I did what I had to do for you.
Life wasn’t always this hard, Baby, and maybe someday, it will be better again. When I was a little girl, only one parent had to work to be able to pay rent, food, and toys. Now, not even two parents working the full 60 hours a week each can pay those bills! Oh my sweet Baby, I don’t know what the future will bring. But I want to live it with you. Thank you so much for the letters! Yes, I can’t wait to be with you again. I’ll get us a book somehow, so we can read. And yes, I’m glad we got to go places... the beach, the Egyptian Museum. We had such happy times, Baby. When I see you again, we’ll go out in the sun and tell each other stories. They can’t take that away, Baby. I love you! Sending you hugs to keep you warm.
Dear Mama,
Tomorrow I get to see you! I’m going to bed now and I don’t even care if it’s cold because I’m so happy! I want to dream of going on walks with you, playing frisbee, remember we looked for cats? I want to do that! I know they took you because of me, because of where we lived. But I don’t understand, Mama. You always worked, you worked all day! Even the times when you had to take me with you to work more. Maybe I should have helped? I want to work too. You let me help you, but I want to work and get money. I’ll give them all the money, if they’ll just leave us alone.
I can’t wait until I’m a grown up and can know everything. Like why they took Daddy. You told me, but I don’t get it. He didn’t do anything! Just because that’s how things work. Do you miss him? I know you cared about him even though he didn’t live with us. I wish I could remember him and miss him. I know the stories you tell me, where he took me, what I would say about him, and how much he loved me. You said he took me to Raging Waters and Happy Hollow. You said I loved him too. I wish they hadn’t taken him. I don’t even know who they are! And now they took you too. I want to get you back, Mama!
Dear Baby Girl,
I was so happy to see you and hear your voice. I’m sorry you had to answer so many questions. I feel like it’s all my fault, but also, I don’t know what I could have done. I did my best for you, Baby, you know that. With all my heart and all my love, I did my best. All I want is to see you again. Nothing is your fault, Baby. You always help me so much and you know kids aren’t supposed to work until they’re twelve! Don’t worry, Baby.
I guess this time, I’ll have to work even more... I’ll do it for you. I’ll work all through the night. I’ll nap a few hours between jobs, maybe sleep a bit more on my half-day off… I’ll work so much more, even if I have to take you with me. You can sleep while I work. Don’t worry, I’ll wake up in time to play with you before I work again. If I work that much, we can have a room again, with a cozy bed, and I’ll get you a few toys even though it will take a while. Even all the toys that have been played with cost so much. Nobody gives away used things like before... especially not clothes. I’ll have to buy us some clothes too because they took all our remaining things and I don’t think they’ll be giving any of it back.
I did my best to explain about your Dad... If the worst happens, I hope they save these letters for when you’re older, so you’ll understand… but even to me it doesn’t make sense. How people can be so awful, to report someone for stealing a lunch, not caring that they got the wrong person, keeping him locked up, knowing he didn’t do it. It used to be that people could at least have a chance if they could pay, but then they changed things. When we had money, Baby, you know I would’ve spent it all to help your dad. Even though he didn’t live with us, he used to see you almost everyday, pick you up, take you places, and you would sleep over and play. He loved you and I wish you could remember that you loved him too. I’m sorry, it’s true, Baby: They do take people so they can make them work and not pay them.
You know, Baby, at first they only took men. Always found something to accuse them of. Then they needed them to help with the fires. People didn’t pay attention. Now people don’t want to lose their jobs, the ones that pay enough for a home. And I can’t say I blame them. They don’t want to get taken away. They don’t want to be separated from their kids.
I remember when I took you to San José State. Your dad was there for a bit – I can’t believe they’re keeping people at SJSU again, in almost all the buildings. Baby, sometimes I’m not sure how much to tell you. Just keep hoping, keep knowing we love you, keep believing that this world can be full of love. Baby, forgive me for not explaining everything? Just know, the bad things make no sense because they should not happen. Focus on the beautiful things... we always have the sun. Oh my Baby… Baby, just do your best and hope and love.
…
Baby Girl,
I hope you are enjoying playing with the other kids. I hope they are feeding you well. I haven’t gotten your letters, but sometimes they come weeks after, so maybe one is on the way. I miss you, my Baby. It breaks my heart to think that you are cold at night and I can’t even be there, can’t sing you to sleep. I remember singing to you before you were born. It must be like plants, that’s how you turned out so beautiful and strong. I know you’re okay… you’ve got to be okay… I love you, Baby Girl. Sometimes, I sing to you so softly when there is nobody close to me, hoping you’ll feel my love carried in the wind...my sweet girl, I hope I get to hug you again… at least see you... at least when you’re grown up...but if not, I hope I go first and that you don’t find out… No matter what, I’ll see you in the time after. I promise.
…
Dear Mama,
They said I’m going to go with you! The people want to keep me for extra money. That’s what the big girl told me. They use it to buy food and things for me and the others, but they keep the rest for their own kids. But they don’t get to choose, I get to go! They were nice to me Mama (don’t worry!) But I’m happy to go, I want to be with you. I don’t care where we live. The big girl said it’s cold and we can’t leave, but I don’t care! And I don’t care what we eat! The warm food here tastes like cardboard because I miss you so much. They didn’t give me fruit like you did. They say fruit costs too much because of what happened to the bees. But I don’t care what we eat – I’ll be with you!
I’ll pack my other clothes and my dirty set and my pencil, as soon as I finish this. I leave tomorrow! Mama, I’m sorry I didn’t write more letters. I gave the big girl the coins we always kept, to make sure you got them. She wanted two each time since she could have got in trouble. I know they’re not worth much, but they were so pretty! I know you won’t be mad. I saved the last ones to write you on your birthday. But this is better than birthdays! I can’t wait to hug you! Oh Mama, I might even cry, I’m so excited!!!
If you would like to take be involved in justice reform and help those affected by incarceration in the Bay Area, please consider getting involved with De-Bug San Jose, which focuses on criminal justice reform, economic justice, housing, and immigrant rights:
Audio Credits:
Recorded in Logic Pro X.
Plug-ins used: iZotope Ozone 9 Elements and Neutron 3 Elements, Valhalla DSP Shimmer and Supermassive
Sounds used: Microcassette recordings of a Railroad deep in Highway 70 [the site of the beginning of the Camp Fire of 2018.], Cellphone recordings of the Ocean using a Droid Razr (circa 2015), Cellphone recordings of an open flame burner on a stove in Parkmerced (circa 2014), Condenser Mic Recording of a Wood Frog Instrument, office chair wheels, a pen/pencil writing in a leather notebook, and the flipping of pages of a story book, Direct Recordings of an American Professional Jaguar by Fender through a Scarlett 18i20 interface.
We would like to thank History San José for hosting this installation. History San José preserves and enriches the cultural heritage of San Jose and the Santa Clara Valley through research, collections, partnerships, educational programs and events.. To find out more about what they do, visit their website.
SJ Sounds is a collaboration between More Más Marami Arts and Soundplay.Media. This installation is possible thanks to funding from the City of San José through the Abierto program, the support of our fiscal sponsor, The School of Arts and Culture.
